In case you've been living in a groundhog burrow, spring is going to be a long time coming.
Last week, in the Pennsylvania town of Punxsutawney, the world's most famous groundhog — and most infamous weather forecaster — predicted six more weeks of winter.
Every time Donald J. Trump issues an executive order, a bunch of people take to the streets and knock over trash cans. But Punxsutawney Phil's decree was met with a shrug and a sigh. "So let it be written, so let it be done." The groundhog said it, and so it shall be.
Let me be the first to say that Punxsutawney Phil isn't my groundhog. I'm not going to knock over a trash can, because the most convenient can is the one that sits near my desk. It's full, and if I knocked it over, I'd just have to clean it up.
But I'm madder than a mosquito in a mannequin factory, because — like most of you — I'm ready for spring.
You wouldn't be incorrect if you pointed out that this winter has hardly seemed like winter. (Someone joked on Facebook that Punxsutawney Phil seeing his shadow must mean six more weeks of spring.) As I write this, the south winds are howling, temperatures are rising into the 60s and the National Weather Service is calling for the potential for severe thunderstorms. In early February. That's how winter has gone so far.
So how did Phil see his shadow? Maybe the Russians hacked our groundhog.
More likely, the Punxsutawney mayor dragged the furry varmint out of his cage, he took a look around at all the political bickering and partisan hoopla, and wanted to scurry and hide from it all.
Either way, I'm not taking this decree of six more weeks of winter sitting down. I'm prepared for my very own resistance movement. Consider this my #NeverPhil campaign. (I was gonna go with #NeverPunxsutawneyPhil but that would have used every one of my 140 characters on Twitter.)
It doesn't matter that this winter has been milder than most, or that it has featured less snow than most. By now, with the calendar flipping to February and sickness running rampant, most of us are ready for sunshine and 70 degrees. Ladies are ready to trade their big boots for sandals and men are ready to trade . . . well, I guess most men I know wear the same shoes regardless of what the weather is.
The New York Post reported last week that there have been thousands of assassination threats made against the president on Twitter. I've never understood the sanity of that. Never mind the fact that none of those fools tweeting as fast as their thumbs will allow are actually going to follow through with their threats. Why would you want to say something that's going to draw attention to yourself, along with a probable visit from the Secret Service?
But that meteorologically-pontificating groundhog, he is a different story. All I'm saying is follow my #NeverPhil hashtag on Twitter and I'll post my great-grandmother's recipe for groundhog stew.